Pain

Every time I go to the VA hospital these days I’m asked to rate my pain from one to 10, with one being no pain and ten being a lot of pain. Most days I’m not in pain, so I just say "one" and the doctor or nurse who asked nods. When I’m in pain, I’m not sure what to answer. I’m not sure because I don’t know how bad pain has to be to get a "10" rating. Since I’m not sure how bad pain can get, I can’t even guess what a "4" rating is like, or a "6" or any other degree.

About eight years ago, when I was getting post-surgery chemotherapy for my colon cancer, I was hospitalized because of a particularly nasty chemo side effect. When I went to the ER, nobody asked how much pain I was in. I guess because I was moaning and groaning too much to answer. I would have said "10" because when that pain started, I figured it couldn't get any worse. When a nurse offered me morphine I almost licked his hand like a happy and thankful puppy.

Now, though, I’m not sure if that pain was worthy of the top rating. I think not. I think there’s pain a lot worse than that. And I’m not happy about that.

I’m in pain today. Not bad. I’d give this pain of mine today about a "two" rating.

I don’t like to tell my wife when I’m in pain like this. I figure if it doesn’t register on my face, it’s not worth bothering her. It’s not bad enough for me to go to the hospital, so there’s really nothing to be done, is there? And I don’t want to worry her. I also don’t want to have to keep telling her I’m okay every time she asks.

The only reason I bring it up is because I always think this pain is a hint of what’s down the road, some kind of message to keep me from feeling too sure of myself. And it works. Most times I’m sure I can take whatever lies ahead. Yo! take your best shot, cancer! Or, as someone famously said, "Bring it on!"

But then when I get these pains it reminds me that I really don’t know what number 10 pain is like. I have a feeling it’s going to be pretty bad. And that scares me. I’m thinking of asking my wife to leave me alone when the pain gets real bad. I don’t want her to have to experience it. But I guess that’s not fair, is it?

Anyway, I’m not going to tell her I’m in pain today. She won’t go on line until tomorrow or the next day, I think. She’s got too much to do. So by the time she reads this, if she does, the pain I’m in today will have passed so we’ll be able to forget about it. At least for now.